Funny thing about life, it doesn’t care how you feel or whether you are ready… it just asks you to show up.
Most days I feel like I am a part of this reality that only I am living in. This reality in which I am happy, there is no chaos in the world and my biggest quest in life is to find my purpose and fulfill my mission. Some would call me a dreamer… others just think I’m crazy. I’m not quite sure what I am these days except somewhere caught in between. I am neither here nor there. I am neither this nor that. I am everything and nothing. I am this universal cosmic concoction of ether and light forming electric balls of energy. Radiating heat and frequencies even I can’t seem to understand sometimes. It’s like this life force that lives and breathes within me has a mission and that mission is to unify.
I have always been that girl that feels everything. That can feel your pain, your nervousness, your joy, your sadness, your confusion, your anger… the list goes on. Drawing a line between what was mine and those around me has always been a challenge. As I learn my energy more and more, I can discern when I am not in my own energies. I am still learning how to not impose my projections upon others. The more shadow work I do, the easier it becomes. I have always felt so comfortable with my shadows though. I never saw them as a problem. I have always loved dancing with them.
My shadows as of late and what seems to be a lifetime, have been fear of rejection and abandonment. My first school boy crush (who’s name I will not expose)… rejected me in the first grade. Or so that’s what I remember, fast forward to high school and I remember being able to have him and not want him of course. The ancestral curse every teenage girl seems to have these days. I will spare you the pathetic details. You could say I put on a hard shell at a very young age. In fact, my mom said I wouldn’t let anyone in since I was four years old. I guess I have just always been a bit of a lone wolf.
I think my abandonment issue goes back to when I was a baby in the crib. I decided that because my parents were ignoring me while they had friends over, I was being abandoned… so dramatic, I know. I was a baby and I didn’t know any better but now I just have these triggers and ugly voices that pop up when I feel like I am being ignored or rejected. It’s a me issue. It’s for me to work with, not for anyone to have to deal with, or accept. They are lies I have told myself with out knowing enough facts. Now, that I have this information, every time someone triggers my abandonment issues, I know what road to take to quickly move through it. It doesn’t mean my triggers will magically disappear, it means, that every time the trigger happens I will get better and better and handling my emotions.
You see, no one can abandon you unless you have already abandoned yourself. The reality is we keep manifesting what we don’t want every time we think about it happening. The ego says “This will be like every other time, story of my life, everyone always leaves/rejects me.” So guess what, after a while you believe it… You believe that no one will stay and that something is wrong with you. Or that you are not good enough or worthy enough for someone to stick around. You begin to create this story that you tell yourself and your friends and you believe it… and your belief in it makes it real… so it happens. It comes true, your are abandoned/rejected and then you get to say, “You see! I told you they would leave/reject me. I knew this would happen!” You see how this becomes a viscous cycle. Going round and round on that merry go round until you are so dizzy you don’t know what’s left or right anymore.
We love to blame outside forces for our circumstances when in reality we are in full power. We love to dance over issues and find every excuse to cover up our bad choices. When the trash piles up, you can’t through air freshener on it and tuck it under the counter… it will still stink up the house. It will still rot and grow bugs and stuff…eeeeewwww! This is what we do to ourselves spiritually when we don’t take out our spiritual trash. When we don’t take the time to clean up our internal mess, chaos will manifest in our lives. Hows your spiritual trash these days? Are you keeping it clean or has it accumulated a nasty stench?
Ways of Spiritual Cleansing:
• Soak in a salt bath with lavender for 20 minutes.
• Cleanse space with sage or palo Santo and crystals.
• Yoga, meditation, and pranayama.
• Nature: bathing under the stars/moonlight, natural body of water, forest
If you need help with your spiritual practice, I have access to certain modalities that will help you clear out some of that junk! Contact me and lets chat! Have a blessed day! 🙏🏼